


zurück

by wingsofbadass



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: First Kiss, M/M, POV Caleb Widogast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:08:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21761968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingsofbadass/pseuds/wingsofbadass
Summary: “Ever since I touched you, you will barely even look at me.”Essek tensed visibly, even with most of his body obscured by heavy robes, a muscle in his jaw twitching, his chin lifting as though preparing for a blow.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 16
Kudos: 235





	zurück

There had been a hurt in the way Essek pulled away from his touch that Caleb couldn’t stop thinking about.

His perfect coolness had flickered for just a moment, an agitated little flame snuffed out with the next blink of his eyes. Caleb had been certain he understood the attraction between them but initiating that closeness had torn open an unexpected distance between them. The careful maneuvering of their bodies and limbs around each other was a pang in his chest these days, made his fingers tighten around his quill until he had to shake the cramps from them.

Candle light dipping the study in gold could not substitute for the warmth Caleb found himself craving from Essek. He swallowed when he realized he’d stopped writing, all his focus wasted on the effort of not looking up at his teacher, not seeing the spell in front of him at all. If Essek noticed the embarrassing lapse, he didn’t comment on it. The urge to just _look_ at him was overwhelming.

In an attempt to dispel the restlessness that had become a byproduct of Essek’s presence, he sank his free hand into the now much too long hair at his nape, scrubbing wildly enough to make several strands fall out of the ponytail and into his face. Caleb had to refocus on this damn spell. He shouldn’t have been sitting there, aching for the Shadowhand of the Kryn Dynasty to put a hand on his shoulder or brush his arm or just – _something_.

“Is something the matter?” Essek asked now, finally breaking the silence. His voice was so even that it made Caleb’s jaw clench.

“There’s –” Caleb tossed the quill onto the table and took a deep breath, shaky. “I seem to have made things awkward between us,” he eventually stated to the paper.

When he finally looked up at Essek, he only caught the turn of his head, looking away from him.

“I apologize,” Essek started and Caleb saw him press his lips together briefly, “for making you think anything is amiss. As I have previously told you, things have been stressful. I never meant to take it out on any of you.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about.”

At that, Essek did look at him, elegant brows knit together in bemusement.

For a few heartbeats, neither of them spoke. There was tugging, the two of them attempting to unravel the knot by pulling from opposite sites and accomplishing nothing but a more tightly wound mess. There were no answers to be found on Essek and his flawless mask, no matter how much Caleb wished it.

“Ever since I touched you, you will barely even look at me.”

Essek tensed visibly, even with most of his body obscured by heavy robes, a muscle in his jaw twitching, his chin lifting as though preparing for a blow.

The terrible possibility that Essek might just get up and leave made more words tumble from Caleb’s lips. “I’m very sorry for crossing the line with you. I just – I wish I could understand what that line is. I have tried to respect your boundaries, but if what I did was somehow offensive in ways I’m not aware of, please tell me. I don’t want to – to endanger what we have here.”

He felt breathless, tripping after someone for reasons he couldn’t understand. All he knew was that he couldn’t bare to see Essek leave just because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut, just because he couldn’t keep his needy hands in check. His fingers curled in his lap.

Essek lowered his gaze, looking torn. With his heart climbing up his throat, Caleb couldn’t help but feel like he’d just somehow inflicted even more pain in his ignorance. And yet he had this hope that he was wrong, that everything was alright and Essek would smile and –

“Caleb. What year were you born?”

He stared, taken aback. “803.”

Essek smiled, and it was heartbreaking.

He nodded, as though that was what he’d expected to hear for some reason. Caleb wanted to ask but he wasn’t sure what the question was. There was Essek, blinking, fighting some beast of an emotion, and Caleb’s chest felt like it was caving in. He was so far away.

Reaching across the chasm was all these damn hands were good for.

“What is it?” Something was wrong with his voice. The wooden floor bit harshly into his knees as he dropped down at Essek’s feet. How perfectly his palm molded to the shape of that sharp jaw. Face tilting into the touch, Essek sought out the solace with an expression that was so brittle that Caleb feared it might be shattered by his rough hands. Fingers wrapped around his wrist, begging. Plush lips brushed against his thumb, nearly stopping his heart.

“It’s not that I don’t want you to touch me,” Essek murmured, and Caleb could feel the shaky warmth of his breath. His eyes swam with unshed guilt and yearning. “I want it all the time.”

Craving flared up in Caleb’s chest, singeing him from the inside out, and he fell upwards into the quenching coolness of Essek.

His lips were the softest thing to touch Caleb in years. Essek made a broken noise in his throat before returning the kiss, and they lost themselves in a breathless, endless moment of connection. Reverent hands sank into his hair, into his skin. The gentle nudge of a nose against Caleb’s cheek was so achingly familiar, a small detail he’d never remembered to miss about kisses.

They weren’t close enough.

So he pressed nearer until Essek’s thighs spread on the chair and allowed Caleb between them, until Essek’s lips parted and Caleb finally tasted his tongue. There was no denying that Essek was shivering in his arms, and he wanted to soothe him, soothe every single hurt on that beautiful soul, so he squeezed tighter. And Essek, in turn, clung tighter.

“I’m right here for you to touch,” Caleb breathed against lips that kept chasing after his.

When Essek pulled back to look at him, he couldn’t help the memory of the Bright Queen coming to mind, her face stricken with grief and joy at the sight of the Beacon. Fear plucked at Caleb’s heart. His touch gentle, Essek stroked over his cheeks like a blind person trying to imagine a face.

“It’s alright,” he soothed Caleb, the corners of his eyes crinkling with a small smile, and that’s when he realized.

Essek was brushing tears from his cheeks.

Shocked, Caleb reached up to wipe at his wet eyes. Again, the urge to ask rose in him without providing him with any idea what to ask for. He searched Essek’s face, desperate to understand. He felt dizzy. Something hot was burning in his chest and he couldn’t stop crying and –

“You’re remembering, my love.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure how many chapters this story will have, but probably not more than four.


End file.
